But he who stands firm to the end will be saved. Matthew 24:13

April 10, 2012 Tomorrow I will have the stitches taken out of the incision on my back made during my surgery last Tuesday. I am still on edge a little waiting for the results fo the lymph node biopsy. The doctor will not get the results for another week. In the week since my surgery, I have been in feeling better but there are signs that I am not out of the woods yet, as much as I would like to believe. I have more energy. However, I still get tired during the day. I have to limit my activities or take a nap when I get tired. If I work too much, like cutting the front and back lawn, I pay for it the next two days. I want so much to believe that I am going to be alright. I am excited and want to resume my full day of activities, go to work, kayak, travel, walk for exercise, and do all the activities I have done in the past. I don’t want to face the fact that I may not be able to do these activities again. I don’t want to have to take treatments. Treatments will only make me sick, make me sleep more, and cause me to lose my appetite. I am not at a health weight but I want to lose weight naturally. I am not even sure treatments will be offered. If they are, I will definitely take them. My life has been on hold for a while. The month of March 2012, I have been taking care of medical issues associated with my cancer; doctors’ visits, lab visits, xrays, dye injections, more xrays, more lab visits, sleeping, exhaustion, night sweats that leave me floating in my own body fluid, more lab visits...... I want to get on with my life. I am getting frustrated. Today was no exception. I awoke at 7:00a.m. to feed the babies, eat breakfast, and make phone calls to insurance companies. After that I was tired but did not want to lay down. So, I began to work on the computer. I can’t sit for very long because my back starts to ache. After about 20-30 minutes, my back feels strained and I have to rest whether I want to or not. I lay down for a while. Then, the cycle starts over again. Waiting is the hardest part. I want to work in the yard but the temperature during the day is now in the eighties. This temperature is too hot for me to work in without getting sick and fatigued real quick I tried to take a daily walk but didn’t even get one-fourth of the way before I had to sit down to rest. So, I turned around and came back home. I know the Lord is expecting me to be patient, and I want to respect that. Making changes in my activity level and type has been difficult. I need to work on accepting the fact that my life will not be the same. The problem is I don’t know what my life is going to be like, especially during and after the treatments. I suspect, I will be in a holding pattern until the treatments are over and the final prognosis has been given. Until then, feel like a Boeing 747 jet in a holding pattern over a busy airport. Seems all I do is fly around in circles, going no where, looking down at the city and thinking about all of the things I could be doing instead of just circling in a holding pattern. I try to keep a sense of humor. My friend Rob tells me, “At least you’re not circling the drain.” Funny, very funny. Hopefully, I will have some good news tomorrow. Maybe the lab results will be back early. Stayed tuned.