March 11, 2012
Today, I went to church with Paula, my neighbor. This was the first time in years, I attended a church service with anyone. In the past, I would have been too anxious to attend a new church. Not today. I was at peace, curious about this new journey, but not anxious. Paula introduced me as her neighbor. Everyone was so nice and welcoming. During last week’s service, Paula told the congregation about a neighbor she had who had been diagnosed with cancer and asked them to pray for her. I was the neighbor she was talking about. When people welcomed me to the church today, I knew they knew about my struggle. The service was informal. The congregation was relaxed. You could tell they were friends with one another and had been for a long time. However, even before the service began, I was fighting back tears thinking about my illness. I didn’t want of cry in front of anyone. As the service began and the music played, I was trying harder and harder to fight back the tears. I tried to figure out why I was tearing up.
I bowed my head and prayed, "Jesus, please help me rid my life of this anxiety, Lord. Help me to be strong. I know I can find strength in you. Wrap your arms around me Lord, and help me rise above these feelings that are holding me back from serving you, honoring you, living the life you gave me without fear, without hesitation." Then, I began to take deep breathes and repeated my prayer to Jesus. Almost immediately, I began to feel my anxiety subside, my tears stopped, and I began to feel a peace come over me. I knew the Lord heard my prayers. I knew He was with me in that moment, listening to my every word.
Throughout the rest of the service, I no longer had to fight back tears. I sang hymns with the congregation and said prayers without wanting to cry. Since my diagnosis, I have learned many things about Jesus and His love for us. However, the one thing I learned above all others is that Jesus hears our prayers and answers them. Even unanswered prayers are answered prayers from the Lord. He heard my prayers today and answered them. I know Jesus knows I am learning to be strong. I know He is helping me.
During part of the sermon, the congregation had the opportunity to ask for prayers for members of their families or friends who are going through a difficult time. I was surprised to learn of one families had a member with cancer. This family had a member who had a brain tumor removed and had three months to live without treatments, and possibly a year with treatments. Another member, the pastor himself, had been diagnosed with an aneurysm in his brain. The aneurysm was too small at this point to have surgery. He said he would keep us posted. Suddenly, the weight of my own illness didn’t seem so heavy. I was not alone. There were others who had more difficult situations them me. I would have never really known this if I had not attended this church today. I spend a lot of my time alone, not wanting to be around people. However, that is about to change. I cannot serve God without serving others, and to do that I need to join in fellowship with others without fear or anxiety. What a blessing the Lord had sent me today.
I slept peacefully last night. When I awoke this morning I had a good amount of energy. My plans were to go to church with Paula, then go downtown to 7th. St. When I was yesterday handing out clothes and shoes to the homeless. The one thing people needed were bags. I had planned to stop and buy more bags to hand out today but during the service my neck and right side of my head bean to hurt. When this happens, I have to lay down. I knew I would not be going downtown today. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I had to rest to get rid of this headache. Exhaustion is a major symptom of living with cancer. My whole day is planned around how much energy I have when I awake, how much of it I can use to do certain tasks, and how long and how often I have to lay down during the day to replenish my energy supply. I am disappointed that I cannot go downtown today. God willing, I will go tomorrow.
