March 2, 2012 (Friday)
Today, I received the lab results of a mole removed from my back. The mole looked like a possible Basal Cell Carcinoma. However, it turned out to melanoma. I am in shock and disbelief. I grew up believing that a diagnosis of cancer was an automatic death sentence. My mother, Isabella, died of Pancreatic Cancer in 1987 at the age of 69. My brother Thomas died of a rare form of cancer in 1993. Over the years, I have had several other relatives die of cancer, too numerous to mention. All of these relatives were on my mother side of the family, except for one, my Aunt Sadie. She was my father’s sister.
As I hung the phone up from talking to the doctor, I knew that today was going to be a roller coaster day emotionally.
I am scared.
I think about who I know that has strong convictions and beliefs in the Lord. My friend, Regalado, whose surname means "gift," comes into mind immediately. Regalado and I taught together in San Antonio, Texas. We were special education teachers at the same elementary school for about 4 years. After I moved to Austin in 1997, we kept in touch by email. I knew Regalado was a devote Catholic. She lived her life that way....walking the talk. I reached out to her in an email to ask her to pray for me. I knew if I could count on anyone to pray like my life depended on it, it was Regaldo. Almost immediately, she sent me emails with bible quotes, videos, words to her favorite hymns, and information about a Saint Marie Faustina Kowalska (1905-1938) a member of the Congregation of Our Lady of Mercy. I found great strength in the information she sent me, printed all of the emails, then laid in bed and read and reread them until I went to sleep. I thank God for Regalado..
I did not want to make a major announcement about my health situation. I just wanted to reach out to a few close friends who I knew would prayer for me if I asked. I sent an email to Kathy. She and I also taught together at an elementary school in Austin, Texas. I loved working with Kathy. During the last of three years we taught at the same school, she and I shared a classroom. Not too many teachers can share a classroom with all of the territory issues that may arise. Not Kathy and I. We fit into that room perfectly. She is a wonderful person who knows how to make another human being feel valued. She is kind, thoughtful, caring, sharing, intelligent, professional, and educated. I wish I could have been the person and teacher she is today. She’s my hero.
March 3, 2012 (Saturday)
I tried to keep some sort of normal routine today. Lately, I have been sleeping a lot. I have been exhausted. I thought it might be my hormones. I have been post menopausal for 5 years and I have never had any kind of hormone treatment. Feeling desperate, I went to a hormone replacement medical center in town and paid for 1 year of hormone treatments, the day before the lab results came back from the mole removal.
I went slept late, then went to the grocery store. As I was taking my groceries out of the car, I saw my neighbor, Dolly, walking to the mailbox. I said "hi" to her, Then, went into the house. Almost immediately, I practically ran back to the driveway to catch up with her. I had been thinking in the past 24 hours since receiving the news, that I would need someone to take care of my five babies (four cats and a small dog). I have had these babies for some time. Dolly has a sister Paula that moved in with her about 7 months ago.
Both sisters are very kind women. I thought of am idea. Paula could move into my house after I go home to the Lord, and take care of my babies. I would leave her the house and my care. All of these things would be hers. My most urgent concern right now is for the health, safety, and welfare of my pets. As I spoke to Dolly, I broke down. I was a mess. She hugged me then said she would talk to her sister about my idea. I did not know if Paula would like the idea. Five pets, especially someone else’s pets to care for is a lot to ask. I needs a miracle. After I spoke to Dolly, I went back into the house feeling a great weight off of my shoulder just talking about my health situation and future pet care. I know I will not rest peacefully until I can make arrangements to have my babies (Alex, Callie, Izzy, Grace (cats) and Scout (dog) taken care of once I am gone.
Rough night. Needed some sleep. Very tired. Body aching. Laying in bed watching my babies sleep peacefully with no inclination of the anticipated storm about to hit me. I love them. They sleep so peacefully, calmly, safely, and securely. Alex feels my eyes on h im and open his eyes wide enough to look at me as if to say, "I know you are watching me. What is wrong?"
I smile and reach to pet him, assuring him that I am fine. I lay back on the pillow, fighting tears. Dear Lord, Hear my prayers. Thy will be done, Lord, not mine. However, if I have some say, I would like a little more time. If not, I am ready to go home with you. Just let my babies be ok.
March 4, 2012 (Sunday)
My insides are churning with turmoil. I am still dealing with the shock of the diagnosis but know the worse is yet to come. I will see the surgeon next Tuesday who will conduct a dye test to see how far the melanoma has spread. Then, he will determine the best treatment options. I know that my life will never be the same. I know the side effects of the chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I thought I was tired before...... My mind stirs thinking about all of the pre-planning for my departure that we all need to make but don’t because we believe we have sooooooo much time. Nope. Not all of us. Funeral arrangements?? Creation???? I don’t know what to choose. I never had a strong conviction either way. I guess I am about to develop one.
I walk away from my computer to sit outside with my babies on the back patio. It is late morning. I do not want to be inside sleeping on a beautiful day like today. I trimmed the shrubs and trees in the backyard. I want to cut the lawn but have to moderate my energy level so that I do not get exhausted and have to lay down. My babies lay happily around the year sleeping at times, hunched in a shadow near the fence waiting to pounce on a bird who has come to the bird bath and bird feeder for daily bath and a snack. Other times, they gently push each other out of my lap to have their turn of head scratching, kitty kisses, doggy kisses, and hugs, lots of hugs. I use to spend a lot of money buying them toys, then wondered why their interest was short lived. Watching them stay with me in the backyard most of the day made me realize that it is my company, my interactions with them that matter the most. The attention I give them will never compare to the entertainment of a toy. They love me and I love them. We are all happy, content, and safe to be int company of one another. We are a family.
Dolly and Paula came to see me. I showed them around the house. Then, we sat in the living room to talk about my health. Dolly offered to take me to the doctor’s next Tuesday so that I would have someone to be with me as the doctor explains what will happen next. They both agreed it is better to have another set of ears to help me understand what the doctor is explaining.
Dolly will take off of work at 1:00pm come home, pick me up, then to the doctors. Paula asked her church members during the service to pray for me.
I need to explain how Dolly, Paula, and I know each other. Dolly and I have been neighbors for about 12 years. We moved into our newly constructed homes about one week before or after the other. We did not know ne another at all. Paula is Dolly’s sister. She moved in with her sister about 7 months ago. I met Paula then. I am not blood related to them. I am their neighbor.
I turned to them in a desperate hour of need. You see, my immediate family are all deceased. I have aunts and uncle but they are in their 90's. I have cousin but I am not close to them and have not been since childhood. I am living alone with my babies. No family close. The closest live about 1,500 miles from me. Even if they did live close, we would not be on speaking terms. We are not a close family.
Having cancer makes me realize that my babies and I are all I have in this world, except for the love of Jesus as my savior, and Father God as my creator. Now I have the blessing of Dolly and Paula, sisters, who don’t really know me from Eve. Yet, their right next door ready to help me in any way possible. I am blessed. Thank you , God.
Much more peaceful night. Life is so much better when you know someone cares about you. My babies sleep peacefully. Scouty sleeps tucked as close to me as possible. I hold him in my arms and rub his chest and ears. The cats sleep peacefully, two in the living room, Alex at the top of my pillow, and Callie on the kitty condo in my bedroom. All quiet, calm, and at peace. Tomorrow is Monday. What will tomorrow hold? I drift off to sleep.
March 5, 2012
I wake this morning with not as much energy as I had yesterday morning. I feed the babies, make breakfast for me, then settle in at the computer. So much to do, seemingly so little time. I contacted a research facility for information on how to donate my body to for research. I request information on local cremations, check my email, look for more information on Saint Marie Faustino Kowlska to read more about her. I call the insurance company that insure my home and care, checking my policies to make sure everything is up to date. My back begins to ache as I Sit at the computer. I get up every now and then to let the babies outside, let them back inside (which they do many times a day), hold the, talk t them, give kitty and dogie kisses, feed them lunch, clean kitty boxes, then wrap up my work. I need to lay down. It is still early in the day. After I rest, I will decide what to do next.
Naps over. I feel real good. I am actually hunger. I have energy. Wow!! I think I will go to the store around the corner and buy some fried chicken, potato wedges, and a Root Beer. Not a recommended diet for some with cancer but old habits die hard.
I will bring it back to the house to eat. Then, lay on the sofa with the babies and read the Bible. In the bac of the Bible there is an outline for reading the entire Bible in one year. The outline lists the pages of the Old Testament, the Psalms, and the apostles that are to be read each day. I am one Day 3.
I read my day’s pages, growing sleepy. The babies and I move into the bedroom and settle ourselves in our Queen size bed-Alex lays in his place at the top of my pillow, Scotty lays wedged up next to me, Callie, Izzy, and Grace lay at the foot of the bed. All fall to sleep right away. I lay in the quiet room, enjoying the cool, gentle breeze that brushed against my skin. The room is peaceful, calm, quiet, and filled with the love of God. I feel safe in this room as I have felt safe in this home for the past twelve years. This home has been my blessing from the Lord, along with the four cats and dogs that grace my life. This is their home, too. None of my babies have known another home. They all grew up in this one from kittens to now.
Alex, a big orange and white tabby was given to me by Tammy and Earl, and their son. Alex was 3 months old. He was born on Tammy and Earl’s property in a field along with two other siblings. Tammy wanted me to have a cat, so she picked one of the kittens and brought him to my home. He was a little thing with blue eyes. His fur was sticking up all over his body. He looked like he put his little paw in an electric socket. He was and is a sweetheart and a momma’s boy.
Callie is a tortoise shell calico cat. She was about five or six months old when I found her. She had been living on her own in a field next to Tammy’s father and step-mother’s home in Oldham, Texas We all went to visit them one weekend and Tammy suggested I take her home to be company for Alex. He was also six months old. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to take her home or not. At the last minute, I jumped out of Tammy’s car, put Callie in a pet carrier that Tammy’s step-mother gave me, and took Callie home. She has been the best bay ever. She is quiet, unless her meal are late. Then, she can be quite talkative. She is a gentle cat, happy to just lay around and watch the world around her.
Scout (Scouty) is a small dog. He is almost three years old. He weighs seven pounds. I adopted him from the Town Lake Animal Shelter here in Austin when it was located downtown near Lady Bird Lake. He weighed 4 pounds when I adopted him. Scouty is a mix of terrier and Chihuahua. His dominant color is black. He has long Chihuahua legs, big Dumbo ears that stick straight up in the air, and a tail that curls. My precious boy. I could tell by his behavior that he was not treated well by his previous owners. It seems they may have kept him tide up in the yard, not letting him in the house. When I brought him home, he went outside and lay in the very back of the yard and watched the house. I put a plate of food down for and called him. His ears went down on his head, as if he was being scolded. I went out to the yard to carry him in and set him in of the plate. He just sat and looked at the plate. After a while, I told him to eat the food. Only after I instructed him to eat his food. Did he obediently move towards the plate and began eating. If I reached to pet him, he lowered his head, as if to protect himself. I gave him a bath, then put him in bed with me that first night. I held him and snuggled with him. He tried to pull away, gently but I held on to him talking calming to him, scratching his ears and head. It took some time for him to come around to trust me but once he did, he has been a loyal companion ever since. Alex and Callie loved him right from the beginning. He was much small than they were. I don’t know if they knew what he was at first. They would lick his face and ears to groom him. They gave him the run of the house.
Two years later, Izzy and Grace, sibling kittens came into our lives. A fellow teacher had a mother cat and three kittens. They lived in the country. One night a neighbor’s dogs attack the mother and babies, killing the mother and one of the kittens. The next day he asked around the school if anyone wanted the kittens that had survived. I took them in telling him that I would find a good home for him. I didn’t plan of having four cats and a dog. They were three weeks old. Their eyes were open and they were the cutest babies! I fed them with a bottle for five weeks. I called them Izzy after my mother Isabella, and Grace, after her mother, my grandmother, Grace. Feeding them with a bottle became a very special time for me. I would lay them both on my chest as I lay on the sofa, and feed them both at the same time, each clinging to their bottle, their little eyes closed tightly as they sucked from the bottle. They kneaded my shirt as they ate.
I would turn the radio on to a Christian Music station as I fed them. I loved the music. I found it so soothing. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how the Lord wanted me to serve him here in this temporary life. What great things could I do to serve the Lord? I made the mistake of looking for great things. I soon came to learn that the Lord doesn’t necessarily look for great thing all of the time. The little things count just as much. One evening I was laying of the sofa feeding the babies when an Amy Grant song came on the radio, "Better Than A Hallelujah." As I listened to the words and looked at my girls eating so peacefully, laying on my chest, I knew I was meant to keep them and take care of them. The Lord sent them to me!. What a glorious blessing the Lord sent to me by sending these babies into my life! I was serving the Lord by taking these babies into my home and making them part of the family. They will be three years old this May.
March 6, 2012 (continued)
Today, I see the surgeon who will explain to me the next step in my journey to treat my cancer. The plan is to talk to me, then schedule a time when he can conduct a test to see how far, if at all, the cancer has spread. The doctor who removed the mole explained to me that a blue dye will be injected into the site where the mole was removed. Then, the doctor will take x-rays to see how far, if at all, the dye spreads. From there he will have a better idea of treatment. The choice: surgery to remove the cancer and possibly some lymph nods. If the cancer has spread far enough, maybe chemotherapy or radiation, of a combination of th the two. At this point, today, I will not go into the other alternative treatments. I am going to be optimistic. I have to get ready to go to the doctor’s appointment. Dolly is driving me.
Last night I had the most peaceful, calm sleep since the diagnosis. I read the Bible and prayed to Jesus before going to sleep. What a pleasant sleep.
