March 12, 2012
Tomorrow I have another medical appointment. I am having a x-rays done to see where the cancer has spread, if it has spread at all. I am trying to remain optimistic but by the way I feel, I believe the cancer has spread. Lately, I have been having headaches that are so strong, I have to lay down and rest. My neck hurts which could be due to the cancer spreading in to the lymph nodes in my neck. The doctor did examine my neck and said he couldn’t feel anything unusual. I have also been having a dull ache in my left arm, leg, and knee. I have to sleep on my right side now. My whole body feels tired, worn, and weak. I have good days and not so good days, and I haven’t even had surgery or treatments yet. I don’t feel anxious or sad as I did on the last doctor’s visit. I talked to the doctor who will be doing my surgery. I feel confident that I have a great surgeon.
I slept peacefully last night. Sleep is important to me because I have to restore any energy I use during the day. If I feel tired during the day, I take a nap, or sometimes several naps. Paula invited me to have dinner with she and her sister this evening but I had a headache and didn’t go. My daily activities are based on my energy level. Before the cancer, I would wake up at 4:45a.m., feed my babies (4 cats and a dog), eat breakfast, shower, and leave for work. My days were long. So, I would not return home until after six o’clock in the evening. I did this Monday through Friday, and still had plenty of energy to spare.
I bought a new book entitled, "Real Messages from Heaven" by Fay Aldridge. I found great comfort in the last book I read, "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent. My new book seems to be equally as promising. The new books tells different stories about how people who have died, send messages to their loved ones after their death.
After my mother’s death, she would visit me in dreams. I loved seeing her and couldn’t wait to go to sleep in the evenings. I missed her so much, that I would go to sleep sometimes at five o’clock just to dream of her. She visited me for about four years after her death. I would tell my friends about my mother visits, when one day, a close friend of mine said to me, "You have to leave her go. She is worried about you. She needs a sign that you will be alright without her." I argued that it was she who was visiting me, then realized if she was convinced that I was going to be alright, she would not come back so often, if at all. One night I was sleeping when my mother showed up in a dream. She wore a light purple robe and looked very young and healthy. I could never see her whole face in the dreams but I could see the side of her face and knew if she was smiling or not. In the dream she walked with me through a park. I felt great comfort in her presence. Finally, after a while I said to her, "Mom, you may get upset but I have to asked you a question. Did you know you died four years ago?" I paused to see what kind of reaction I would get. "It’s ok." I said. "I’m ok, too." I could see the right corner of her mouth form a smile. I loved her smile. She was such an optimistic person. It took a lot to bring her down. Then, I tuned my face to see three elderly ladies, dressed in Sunday clothes coming down a walk way. When I turned back to look at my mother she was gone. I looked back at the ladies and they were gone. I believed she was sent to escort these ladies home to Jesus. That was the last time I saw her in my dreams. I know she is still looking down on me, only with the assurance that I had grown up and could make it on my own now that she was gone. I still miss her and love her. I know she will be waiting at the gates of Heaven for me. What a glorious day!!
