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Saturday, March 31, 2012

Just as you believe in seas you've never sailed, so believe in a love you've never felt from the God you've never seen.

March 31, 2012 Soon it will be Easter Sunday. This is a beautiful time of the spiritual season for me. The Lord died on the cross so that our sins may be forgiven. He rose and according to the scriptures, sits at the right hand of his father. He is waiting for us to come home to be with him in heaven. I began my journey home to the Lord some years ago. Unsure of my steps, I began to listen to Christian music on a local radio station. The words of many of the songs spoke directly to me. Listening to them put me on the path to Jesus. I had wondered aimlessly for so many years, looking for the purpose and meaning of my life, finding no answers. I began my walk with the Lord after a relationship ended badly. Instead of blaming the other person, I took responsibility for my behavior, asked the Lord for forgiveness for my sins and helped me to find my way. I needed guidance. I needed forgiveness. I needed the love and strength of my Holy Father. The journey has been marked by victories, set backs, trials, and my never ending prayers to the Lord. My library is filled with Christian books I have read over the past several years. The very first book I read was, “God’s Slow and Certain Light” by Elizabeth Elliot. I have read and reread this book many times. I learned how to pray in a more meaningful way to God, not just muttering words to prayers I learned as a child. Once the meaning of my prayers was learned, I began to pray with more feeling, more emotion. Slowly, I was able to reach the Lord, once I began to pray consistently, slowly, not rushed just to get the prayers done with so I could go to work or school, feeling my daily Christian duty was done. Prayers to the Lord are never just done or over with. They should never stop. Prayers, like our Lord, should go on forever, day in and day out. Out Father is there for us 24/7. Our prayers to him should be there 24/7 as well. The Lord is always on my mind. I have finally learned to walk in the light of the Lord, keeping him in my daily, hourly, consciousness. If I have a decision to make, I pray to the Lord. If I feel I have made a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings, I pray to the Lord. If I need guidance to get me through the day, I pray to the Lord. I also pray to the Lord asking what I can do for him. He has done so much for me in my life, now it is time to work for others in his name. As hard as I tried, I thought I was not succeeding. I would look back over my life at the changes I had made with the help of the Lord but felt it wasn’t enough. I wanted to do more to let the Lord I was working hard to become a better person. Little did I know that the Lord already knew of my work. Like the loving Father that he is, I believe now that he sat watching and smiling at me. I lived my life for many years in isolation of others, believing I was not good enough to be among them. When I did venture out, I was quiet, kept to myself, and for my years existed on the defensive looking for and expecting others to purposely hurt me or take advantage of me. I was a very gullible person. I had no convictions in my life. I just existed. I always took neutral positions on any controversial issues because I was afraid to express my opinion. I grew up in a home where I could not express my opinions, and I was not allowed to get angry or question anything my father said or did. I learned to be quiet, blend in, keep my mouth shut, and just exist. One of the worse things you can take from a person is his/her right to express themselves. When I learned that I was a planned entity of the Lord, and that he knew about me before I was born, I began to realize I was out here because the Lord wanted me to be here. If the Lord took the time to know the number of hairs on my head, I was worth something to him. Now my journey had come to a trial the Lord sent to me on March 2, 2012. Next Tuesday, April 3, 2012, I am having surgery to address the melanoma in my body. I must admit that this trial has got me thinking. I think about my past, my present, my future. I think about all of the people who have passed through my life. I think about how I have affected the lives of others, in a good or not so good way. All in all, I can honestly say that I lived my life to the best of my ability, and that not one day was wasted or lost. I was on a journey through this temporary life. Like all journeys that we think we have navigated alone, I made wrong turns, got lost, ran out of “gas,”fixed a few flat tires, and when I realized that I had traveled down the wrong path, I turned around, all with the love and guidance of the Lord. What a wonderful journey home, it has been!

Friday, March 30, 2012

An angels' wingspan is broad enough to lift the heart of the entire world.

March 30, 2012 I am sleeping more each day. The fatigue from the cancer does limit my physical activities. I plan my activities for the time of day when I have the most energy. Then,I can get things done. My neighbor Paula is a very sweet person. This evening she brought me a recipe for making a morning muffin that can be made with some very health ingredients right in the microwave. She makes one every morning. Last week she brought me a Blueberry Muffin she made I in the microwave in a coffee cup. It was very good. Now I am going to make my own. If you would like the recipe, please email me and I will be happy to email a copy to you. It is easy to make, takes about 50 seconds in the microwave, is very healthy, and because you make it in a coffee cup, you take make and take on the run to work or school. She also told me about vanilla flavored Total Soy, a meal replacement drink that you can buy at Sam’s Club. I make my drink in the morning in a blender, add fresh fruit, ice and cinnamon. Have you ever wondered why with all the advancements in the medical field, a cure for cancer has not been found yet? Is it that difficult to figure out? As I grew older, I began to make healthy changes in my life. No alcohol, no smoking, no staying out late, reduce stress in my life where possible, take my medications as prescribed, get regular checkups, limit the amount of time I spend in the sun, use sun block . . . and still I get cancer. I still can’t figure out why my mother had pancreatic cancer, or her sister had breast cancer, or her brother had a brain tumor. Seems to run in the family, but that doesn’t mean everyone in the family will have cancer. There is a history of cancer in my family but how, where, and why did it start? I use to joke, telling people with the history of cancer in my family, I feel like I am walking around with a target on my chest and my back, waiting for cancer to hit me. This joke is not so funny now. Cancer hit the bull’s eye on the target dead smack in the middle of my back. That’s where the mole was removed. Austin is fortunate to have several hospitals that work with children who have cancer. Dell Children’s Hospital is just one of the many. I have often wondered how children cope with having cancer. The very young cancer patients don’t have any preconceived notions about cancer. They just know they are sick and want to get better. Their parents protect them from the grim reality of losing their battle with cancer. Still these children are sick, and like adults endure surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiation treatments. When they are hospitalized, they miss being at home, they miss their friends, they miss days at school, and playing outside. One year two kindergarten students (from two different classes) at the school I was teaching, died of cancer. When I was teaching summer school in 2001, I had a really nice student named Alfredo. He was in the fourth grade and had cancer for several years. That summer, the Make A Wish Foundation contacted his family to let them know his wish was granted. I was so surprised to learn that he had cancer. You wouldn’t know it to look at him. He always had a smile. He was very upbeat and fun to be around. Alfredo had many friends and a very supportive family. Alfredo lived to graduate from high school. God had blessed me with a full life. I graduate from college with a master’s degree, had a teaching career of twenty-two years, was awarded Teacher of the Year in 1996, traveled to many places, met many interesting (and not so interesting) people, worked with the homeless, and so many more blessings too numerous to count. Now, as I prepare to face the trial of my life, I know that God is with me. The peace within me is the once empty space, now taken up by the Lord who will see me through it all. At 58 years of age, I am just really staring to appreciate how beautiful sun rises are, how cool mornings sitting on the patio with my cats and little dog are priceless, how the morning mist creates a calm, a stillness that seems to say, slow down, take time to look at the sky. That’s where you’ll find heaven. Look up for one day, you too, will ascend towards the sky and take your place among the fluffy white clouds, the pure blue sky, soaring on the wings of an angel sent by God to take you home.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

"When we are powerless to do a thing, it is a great joy that we can come and step inside the ability of Jesus." Corrie Ten Boom

March 29, 2012 This morning it was raining. The cats ran in and out of the house, wanting to be outside but not wanting to get wet. Scout slept peacefully in his little bed. I slept well last night. I was tired at the end of the day. Too tired to read before going to sleep. I checked my email to this morning,then my blog. The babies and I ate breakfast, as I made plans to run one errand toward the noon hour. I received an email from my friend Kathy. It is always good to hear from her. She and her family went on vacation during Spring Break. I am happy to report they had a great time and returned home safely. I miss working with her. We shared a classroom the last year I taught. I enjoyed my daily professional interactions with Kathy. She was working on a master’s degree, which she has now earned. Kathy has been a beacon of strength for me in this time of professional indecision. I do not plan to return to teaching. After much soul searching, I believe I would like to pursue a career in another field. Teaching for me, use to be fun. Now with all of the stress and pressure to produce a generation of test takers with high scores, teaching focused on the best interests of the students, has fallen by the wayside. No Child Left Behind should be thrown out. Standardized testing should give way to producing a generation of students with a job related skills that will help them secure gainful employment. Skills should be measured in terms of how well they are applied in actual hand-ons, real life situations. With the advancement of computer technology in everyday life, academics such as math, can be embedded into the computer training programs with direct application of math skills and critical thinking skills to the tasks at hand. Our country has outsourced valuable middle class computer technology jobs to foreign countries, pays dirt poor wages to those people in underdeveloped countries, neglecting the people in their own country. One American computer manufacturing company overseas was recently investigated for its hiring practices, has such a high suicide rate, they have nets hanging outside of the windows to catch employees who attempt to jump to their deaths . The hours the company works these people are long, living arrangement is limited to small rooms shared by several people, many of who work hundreds of miles away from their families. Their wages are very low. The outsourcing of these American jobs to foreign countries does not improve the quality of life for the workers in that country. Their labor is simply exploited. Out sourcing only robs the America work force of its dignity and livelihood. I remember an America where delivering milk to homes was considered an important job. Blue collar workers were once the backbone of the American economy. Now, these once noble workers are standing in unemployment lines, unable to get work in their own country. Our country’s greatness was stripped from us when manufacturers realized a quick buck could be made by sending valuable American jobs to other countries. Another real tragedy of the recent decline in the American economy is the Reduction in Force in education. Teachers are losing their jobs. Their careers are being taken away from them because there is no money to pay them. They are forced to collect unemployment or change career fields. Whoever thought that in America, teachers of all people, would be standing in unemployment lines looking for work? There was a generation of women, a one time, who were told to get a teaching career in college because they would always have a job, if they ever returned tothe work force once their children were grown. Not anymore. I wonder how the people who laid these teacher off sleep at night? Fellow educators thrown aside by campus administrators for what? To impress the central office powers that be? And how do they sleep at night? One day, they too, will be deemed no longer useful, and suffer the fate as the educators they have laid off. Or, maybe it will be their children who will suffer the same fate as the educators their fathers or mothers laid off. Don’t think for a minute that you will not be held accountable for your actions at some time in your lifetime or when you too, cross over and have to explain to Jesus what you did to your fellow educators. "Don't bother to give God instructions;just report for duty." Corrie Ten Boom

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

"When I try, I fail. When I trust, He succeeds." by Corrie Ten Boom

March 28, 2012

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES Yesterday, I was counting my blessings regarding the health insurance coverage I thought I had. Today, I find out the health insurance I pay $619.00 for a month, will not cover any health care costs related to my cancer. The insurance company says I have a preexisting condition. I changed insurance plans from a temporary PPO to a Select Plan for better coverage. Due to a problems with the on-line computer application, my application was delayed by 12 days. I had insurance with the same company when I was diagnosed with cancer. I asked for a better policy which resulted in an increase of my monthly by $420.00. The twelve day coverage gap creates a problem with the transition from one insurance policy to the other. Now I am going to have to pay my own bills associated with any medical care and treatments for my cancer. I paid the surgical center $1,500.00 today for the surgery next week (now back on for April 3, 2012, not April 2, 2012). I will also have to pay for my blood lab work, anesthesia during the surgery, and the doctor’s bill for performing the surgery. Then, there may be a matter of treatment costs.

As I was driving home, making a mental note of who I have paid already and who I need to pay, I realized that Mary and Joseph didn’t have health insurance when Jesus was born. The best accommodations for his birth was a manger. Mary gave birth without a doctor, a sterile delivery room, or medication to ease her pain. If Mary and Joseph showed up at an emergency room today, they would be turned away because they could not produce evidence of health insurance, or they may have been sent to a charity hospital. There faith in God sustained them through the birth of Jesus, and the rest is history as we know it from the bible. My faith in God will also so sustain me. My faith will get me through this trial the Lord has sent with a renewed determination.

The month of March is almost over. Soon, we will be celebrating Easter. I have had an interesting March 2012. April 2012 is proving to be equally as interesting. My cat,Callie will be nine years old in April. Callie is a tortoise shell calico. Someone left her in the front of a friend's house back in 2003. Callie was living off of grasshoppers and rain water. I fell in love with her when I first saw her. She was a skinny cat. She didn’t seen to be too afraid of people. I fed her cat food and gave her water. Her food interest was in finding grasshoppers only. I almost didn't bring her home. I wasn’t sure if my male cat, Alex (same age as Callie) would accept her. As my friend and I were starting to pull out of her parents driveway when my friend stopped the car, “Ok. One last chance to take her or not.” I immediately caved in when I saw Callie standing by the car looking at us. I put her in a pet carrier provided by my friend’s step mother, and we drove Callie home. Callie never made a sound as we made our way back to Austin. She laid in the back of the carrier sleeping.

She and Alex were approximately the same age. I estimated her age to be around five to six months old based on her permanent front teeth which were beginning to protrude pushing out her baby teeth. Alex liked her right away. There were no conflicts,fighting or territorial issues. For the most part, Callie is a quiet girl, except when her meals are late. She becomes very “talkative” if her internal clock tells her I am one minute late with her meals. If I over sleep, she sits at the top of my pillow pulling my hair with her paw. If I hit the snooze button for a few extra minutes, she digs her claws into my scalp reminding me that I am late for my kitchen duties. Ignoring her at this point is not an option. She follows me into the kitchen, sitting on the counter to make sure I get her breakfast ready. My other cats wait for her to wake me so they too, can be fed. Once fed, she resumes her post on top of the four tier kitty condo in front of the master bedroom window. Her only movements between breakfast and lunch are to the kitty box or shifting her position on the kitty condo to make herself more comfortable. No worries, no cares, just plain contentment. Everything I learned about relaxing, I learned from Callie.

I awoke very early this morning. The babies like to go out to the back yard in the morning. Hunting is better for them at this time of day. They feel safe in this familiar environment. Only Alex will venture beyond the fence. Izzy and Grace are content to explore the back yard. Callie stays on the patio. Scout runs along the perimeter of the fence, looking for the neighbors’ dogs. I sit on the patio waiting for the sun to come up. I marvel at what a beautiful life I have.

Colton Burpo the little boy who is the main character in the book, Heaven is for Real by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent, saw many animal when he went to heaven during his surgery. Over the years my family had many pets pass over from old age or cancer. My own dog, Toby, the dog I had before I adopted Scout, died of a tumor on his liver. I had him cremated. His ashes remain with me to this day. I feel a spiritual connection with my pets. They seem to embody the peace and calm that the Lord imparts to us when our lives are filled with chaos.

Today, I plan to walk down to the community garden with Paula, my neighbor. She waters the vegetables several times a week. After that, I plan to run some errands, energy level permitting. If not, I will stay home with the babies and read.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

"How often it is a small, almost unconscious event that makes a turning point." by Corrie Ten Boom, The Hiding Place

March 27, 2012

This morning I sat on the patio with my babies (Alex, Callie, Izzy, Grace, my cats, and Scout, my little dog) and watched the sun light up the sky with a dramatic pink-orange color. Beautiful. Weather was cool, so I wore a sweatshirt. The neighborhood was quiet. I love to watch my babies explore the yard. The cats hunch in a pouncing position while watching butterflies, birds, and anything thing else that moves or flies, invade their yard. They hunt, play, chase each other, dig, hide behind bushes and shrubs looking for a vantage point to catch unsuspecting birds who have gathered at the bird feeders for their breakfast. Scout peers through the fence to see if the neighbor’s dogs are awake to start his daily barking competition with them. They were not up, yet. He checks all the sites where he has bones buried, taking an inventory of each one. He knows where all of them are buried. I sip on my replacement soy shake that I make in a blender. It’s hard to believe that there is a place more beautiful than this where life is more glorious, peaceful, and everlasting. But there is such a place-Heaven. I will get to see friends, family members and pets who have passed before me. I will be waiting at the gates for those friends, family members, and pets who will pass after me.

I spoke to the people at the surgery center today. My surgery has been confirmed for April 2, 2012. I completed on line paperwork for pre op, made arrangements with my neighbor and friend to drive me to the surgery center, drive me home, and stay with me for the next 24-hour period. My surgery will take approximately two hours. I will stay an additional two hours in recovery. If the doctor feels I need to be admitted to a hospital, he will send me. My babies will be taken care of by my neighbor, if I have to be hospitalized. Hopefully, I will go home that day. My surgery will include making a wide margin incision around the site of the cancerous mole that was removed, to insure all of the cancer has been removed. Then, the lymph nodes, that respond to the surgical instrument that will used to locate them by the dye injected earlier, will be removed. I anticipate a good day with no problems. My surgeon is one of the best in Austin.

I often wonder what people who do not have health insurance do for medical coverage. I know I would not get the best medical care without medical insurance. Monthly premiums are high. Daily medications, also expensive. Co-payments can be expensive. I have a $3,500 deduction. What would happen to me if I could not pay for the surgery? What facility would I be sent to that would take uninsured patients? When I was a teacher, I saw many children with minor health concerns turn into more serious concerns because their families did not have medical insurance or the money to take them to a doctor. One year I had a student with severe ear infections that effected his hearing and balance. His parents eventually took him to a clinic to see a doctor and get medication. His ear infections did not improve. One day I asked him if he felt any better. He said he was getting a little better but had no more medication. I asked him what happened to the medication he was taken. He said his mother also has ear infections and used his ear drops so that she could go to work. Both of his parents worked. They could barely pay the bills and put food on the table, let alone afford a doctor or medication. I had another student who was playing on the floor with his baby brother on morning, when he was bitten by a Scorpion on the arm. His parents put a home made remedy on the bite that included a variety of ingredients fro their kitchen and a dash of tobacco rubbed on the site. He sat at his desk trying not to let me see him cry. When he told me what happened, I immediately sent him to the nurse. She called his parents but they could not do anything more that what they has done. They had no resources to get him medical attention. Scorpion bits hurt. Eventually, the stinging stops but the wait is painful. This is the same student (a fourth grader) who watched a car hit his dog as the school bus pulled away from his house about one month before the Scorpion bite. He came to class very upset. I asked him what was wrong. When he told me, I let him call his parents to see if the dog was alright. The dog was fine. Just a limp. If the dog had suffered serious injuries the family would have no other choice but to put the dog down. Or, in the case of poor country families, shoot the dog. Then we wonder why our test scores are low, our students stress levels are high, and their motivation is lacking. These children deal with them a variety of concerns and issues before the school bus pulls up to their houses. Medical care is usually on the bottom of the list of concerns.

I remember the year I started junior high school. During the first week of classes, I had a really bad toothache that kept me up for several nights. I was not taken to the dentist because dental care after hours was expensive. My parents both worked. My tooth hurt so badly, I could not concentrate in school. One day, I just walked out of school to a dentist office about one block away. If I had gone to the school nurse, she would have called my parents who were both working. I would have had to wait until I went home because they could not take time from their jobs. By the time they got home and took me to the dentist, the after hour fees, which they could not afford, would be charged. No telling how long I would have to wait to get dental care. So, I just walked out of school. I went to the dentist with eight dollars in my pocket. I asked him if he would pull my tooth. He said yes and took the eight dollars I offered him. I told him I would return to pay his the balance the next day. The next day, just like I said, I paid the balance.

I learned about the importance of being able to afford health care and making my health a top priority from that experience.

I am one of the more fortunate people. I have medical insurance.

"Never be afraid to trust your unknown future to a Known God" by Corrie Ten Boom

March 26, 2012

Wow Did I feel good this morning?? No aches, pains, nothing. Felt like nothing was wrong with me. But, I know better. It is good to feel like my old self again, even for a little while. Makes me appreciate how I felt when I was healthy. Surgery set for April 2, 2012.I report to the lab at 7:45a.m. to be injected with dye (again) so that the surgeon will know exactly what to look for and where. Then, on to the OR.

Sorry for the late post. Later on in the afternoon (after a great morning), I became tired, fell asleep, and slept the rest of the day. The one big issues with cancer is fatigue. I am hoping after the surgery I will have more energy for a while. I am not sure about what treatment(s) I will be getting. The choices are chemotherapy and/or radiation, or both. I have a friend who had both treatments last years. She had breast cancer. Now she is in remission and doing fine.

Laying in bed, I have a lot of time to think, pray, and plan. I think about my family, friends, pets, God, Jesus, and how this might all turn out. I think about reconnecting with my cousins and how the family has changed over the years. I think about how supportive my friends have been. I try to plan visiting my cousin Joann in July, or traveling to San Francisco for a few days, or what project I will be working on in the fall. I think about many of things. I also talk to God. Over the years, I realized that my short, quick prayers were like empty calories. No value in them what so ever. I would rush through them, then be on my way for the day, wondering why daily life had to be so stressful. When I actually stopped rushing through life and learned how to pray, sincerely to God, my daily life became a little less stressful. The little things I use to let get to me, began to roll off my back. I wasted a lot of energy worrying about what other people thought about me but had little concern about what God thought about me. I started going to church in downtown Austin because of a church there that allowed you to bring your dog to the Sunday services. I took my boy Scout. He was such a little angel (no pun intended) in church. He was quiet and well behaved, as I held him in my arms. He was very interested in the people who attended and their dogs. Some of the dogs were not well behaved, so I would take a hand full of dog biscuits, and pass them out when they seemed bored.
Other dogs had to be taken outside by their pet parents to be walked or take a potty break, just like children. I enjoyed this church because of the casual style and laid back attitude the is purely Austin. I realized how important being part of a church community was and how the bond between the people who attended was so important. Now, when I am feeling well, I attend church with my neighbor.

Jesus really does hear our prayers when we pray to him. If you listen very carefully, He will respond, quietly. No need for loud music or a choir of angels singing loudly to announce that Jesus has heard our prayers. Many people pray to Jesus asking for favors, sometimes demanding He do something for us. Jesus know our every thought. However, He wants us to come to Him in prayer and present our situation to Him. I always present options to Him. “Lord, if it is not your will to cure me, will you send this cancer into remission to give me a little more time here?” All I can do is ask. The Lord has a plan of his own for me. His will be done, not mine. I read in the bible how important it is for others to pray for you. God hears all of these prayers. That’s why I asked everyone I can to prayer for me.

I no longer try to hide anything from the Lord. I remember a nun once told me there are no little white or black lies. Just plain lies, and the Lord knows them all. He sees everything. When I finally accepted this, I began being honest with the Lord. I find it much easier to put everything before the Lord and talk to Him about them. I admit my mistakes and ask Him how I can correct them or accept them without beating myself up. I thank Him for the mistakes because through these mistakes, I have learned what I have been doing wrong, how I have been hurting others, and how I have been creating difficult situations for myself. I ask Him to guide me through everyday life, to forgive me, to give me the strength to keep going, to help me find purpose in life, to help me become a better person, and to serve Him whenever the opportunity arises. My relationship with the Lord has been building over many years now. Without Him, I can do nothing successfully. I grew up being so stubborn and thick headed, thinking there was no power greater than myself. I now know better. I learned to look beyond the formality of religion, and to seek God on a personal level. We are so blessed to have a God that we can talk to by just opening our minds and hearts, and speaking honestly to Him. He is that accessible.

So, as you go through your everyday life, if you are not already talking to the Lord, you can start today. Just a simple,”Lord, thank you for today.” Or, “Lord, I will need a little help today with a difficult co-worker.” "Lord I am having problems with a co-worker what am I doing wrong?" Something that simple, will make your day go a lot better, just knowing you have Him to share your troubles with.

If you get a chance, watch the movie, The Hiding Place. It is a true story about a family during World War II who are arrested for hiding Jews from the Nazis. Two sisters Corrie and Betsy, from the Ten Boom family are put in the same concentration camp. The movie follows their journey, and one sisters faith (Betsy)in the face of adversity. It is a beautiful story of faith, love, and belief in the power of the Lord.

“You can never learn that Christ is all you need , until Christ is all you have.” Corrie Ten Boom from The Hiding Place.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up.

March 25, 2012

After mowing the front lawn yesterday, I slept most of the day. Surprisingly enough, I was not as sore as I thought I would be. Today was another beautiful Texas spring day. I opened all the windows os that my babies could enjoy sitting on the window sills, taking in the sun. The entire day was the most quiet day in this neighborhood. The dogs next door did not come out today at all. Scout usually sits by the fence between their yard and ours and waits for them. He’s a little instigator, running back and forth barking. They return the favor and run back and forth with him, until the barking competition gets so loud, I have to drag Scout in to the house. Not today. Absolute quiet all day.

A friend of mine sent me the follow in an email. Thought I’d share it with you. This applies to all of us.

Thinking of a Friend I Don’t Always See

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone even if they don’t like you.

5. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.


7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don’t even know exists, loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received... Forget the rude remarks.

So.....always remember.....

Good friends are like stars.....

You don’t always see them,

But you know they are there....

Have Faith


I’m going outside to sit on the patio with my babies and enjoy the evening.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Heaven: All the pets who ever loved you, will be waiting at the gates.

March 24, 2012

Today, I had the energy to go grocery shopping. Whoohoo!! I can home laid down for a while, then made myself get up to mow and trim the front lawn. Right now, I am actually feeling alright. Tonight, however, may be a little different story. Getting to sleep has been a bit of a problem, especially in the past week because of the aches throughout my body. However, once I am asleep, I stay asleep. Since I chose to mow and trim the lawn this evening, I am definitely going to feel more aches tonight. I remember (especially during the summer) when I dreaded mowing the yard. Texas summers are hot. In July and August, the best time to mow your lawn is close to sundown. Now, I look forwarded to the work, even though I will not be able to keep it up much longer. I pride myself in having a nice looking yard. My home sits on a corner lot on a busy street. Neighbors going in and out of the neighborhood see my lawn daily. So, I want to keep it looking nice. The drought last summer burned most of the front and back lawn, like it did my neighbors lawns. But the recent rains are helping the grass grow back slowly. The rose bushes in the front look great, the Oleanders on the side of the house are big, full, and have red blooms. I am growing small vegetable plants to be planted in the community garden. Life is good. Its funny how when you are unable to do something you dreaded before you became sick, now is the one thing you would gladly do without hesitating or complaining.

I love my neighborhood. When I am working in the front yard, many of my students who have lived in the neighborhood, wave hello or stop and talk to me. Many of them are in middle school or high school now. When they were my students, they were in elementary school. I marvel at how much they have grown and matured. They greet me with a smile and a hug. All of them are taller then me. We laugh at how little they use to be and how they tower over me now. I am so proud of them. One little boy who lives down the street is the son of a preacher and his wife. The preacher was a teacher for 40 years, then retired. Now he heads a church of his own in Austin. When they first moved in their boy was a baby, maybe a few months old. Now he is 12 years old. The neighbors across the street adopted a little puppy for their children when they first moved in. The other day the puppy got out of their back yard. “Puppy“is now a fully grown dog, about 70lbs. When I saw this dog, I asked them, “What ever happened to the little puppy you adopted?” “That’s him.” “No. The little puppy who use to play in your front yard with your kids.” “That’s him.” It is hard to believe that 8 years has gone by since I first saw that little puppy playing in their yard.

All of my babies (four cats: Alex, Callie, Izzy, and Grace, and one little dog, Scout) grew up in this house. Our house is the only home they have ever know, except for Scout. I adopted him at 6 months of age from the animal shelter in Austin. They picked him up in some neighbor hood in Austin along with 5 other dogs. He was at the shelter for some time, and no one came to claim him. The shelter initially, was not going to let me adopt him because they said he was not “adoptable.” This means, they were going to put him down. I ask them why he was not “adoptable.” The behavior specialist said he had a bad temperament. I asked them what was his behavior like. They told me he just sits in a corner by himself. He does not interact with the other dog in the cage with him, he bit the shelter doctor, and he is just not sociable.


Scout was 4.5 lbs when they picked him up He was a tiny dog. They put him in a cage with a dog twice his size. He bit the doctor when he was getting his vaccinations. There are times I would like to bite the doctor who plunges needles in my arms to give me a flu shot or take blood samples. When I first saw Scout, he looked very sad and withdrawn. I loved him at first site. My Silky Terrier, Toby, had died in 2006. He was 14 years old. I had him since he was 2 months old. Toby was a great dog. He was beautiful. During the last two years of his life, he had diabetes. So, for two years I would give him two injections of insulin a day. He died of a tumor on his liver. I had him cremated. His remains are with me today. I adopted Toby on December 31, 1992. I did not go out to celebrate New Years that night. I did not want to leave my little boy along on his first night in his new home. We fell asleep on the sofa with a fire in the fireplace, his little head resting on my chest. From that New Years on, Toby and I celebrated a quiet, peaceful welcoming of each new year, falling asleep on the sofa, a fire in the fireplace, in the peace and quite of our home. When he died, I cried. I didn’t want to get another dog right away. So, I waited. Two years later, I adopted Scout. Scout, myself, and my other babies, all celebrate the new year the same way Toby and I did. Being with my babies is better than any New Year’s party I have ever attended. My friends think I’m crazy. I would rather be home, safe and sound, surrounded by my babies, than out on the roads competing with drunk drivers who may or may not make it home.

My students knew how much I loved my babies. One of them gave me a copy of A Pet’s Prayer several years ago.

A Pet’s Prayer
By
Beth Norman Harris

Treat me kindly, my beloved master, for no heart in all the world is more grateful for kindness than the loving heart in me.

Do not break my spirit with a stick, for though I should lick your hand between the blows, your patience and understanding will more quickly teach me the things you would have me do.

Speak to me often, for your voice is the world’s sweetest music, as you must know by the fierce wagging of my tail when your footstep falls upon my waiting ear.

When it is cold and wet, please take me inside, for I am now a domesticated animal, no longer used to bitter elements. And I ask no greater glory than the privilege of sitting at your feet beside the hearth. Though had you no home, I would follow you through ice and snow than rest upon the softest pillow in the warmest home in all the land, for you are my god and I am your devoted worshiper.

Keep my pan filled with fresh water for although I should not reproach you were it dry, I cannot tell you when I suffer thirst. Feed me clean food, that I may stay well, to romp and play and do your bidding, to walk by your side, and stand ready, willing and able to protect you with my life should your life be in danger.

And, beloved master, should the great Master see fit to deprive me of my health or sight, do not turn me away from you. Rather, hold me gently in your arms as skilled hands grant me the merciful boon of eternal rest - and I will leave you knowing with the last breath I drew, my fate was ever safest in your hands.

Friday, March 23, 2012

To Live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die. Thomas Campbell, "Hallowed Ground"

March 23, 2012,

Early this morning I walked with Paula, my neighbor to the community garden down by the park. Not very far. We went to see what her garden looks like and to water the plants. She’s very excited about her new project. I love to see my neighbors come together on community projects. I live in a subdivision set in a rural setting. When I first moved out here 12 years ago, the only businesses were a small gas station with 2 pumps, 3 churches, and a great bar-b-que place down the road. Now we have a small grocery store, a new gas station with 10 pumps, an assisted living home, a Chinese take-out, a beauty salon, and 2 Dollar General. I hear we are getting a Sonic and a check cashing place. The pastures that bordered our homes are now wall to wall houses. We have 1 new elementary school and 1 new middle school. I hear a new high school will be built in the corn fields behind our development. The city has been knocking at our back door with new development projects for some time now. Development is inevitable. Further east on the farm to market road that passes our main entrance, a movie studio was built. The area around the movies studio was rumored to have been slated for an amusement park on the scale of Disney. Thank God that deal fell through.

Since the fires that burned 1,600 homes in Bastrop and 26,000 acres last September, I am hoping developers will be discouraged from building in that area. The Bastrop fires were nothing like I had ever seen before in this area. Whole neighborhoods were wiped out. Bastrop is known for it beautiful trees and forests. The Bastrop State Park was almost completely destroyed. As the fire raged, thousands of fire fighter from all over Texas and the United States tried to save the area. Some Bastrop residents had just a few minutes to evacuate their homes. Austin residents, Bastrop residents and residents from surrounding towns could just stand by and watch it all burn. Some families displaced from their homes were living in their cars in the parking lot of Walmart. This fire burned for 2 months. Life is slowly getting back to normal. A few residents are rebuilding. No one wants to leave this area. Many of the families that live in Bastrop go back generations.

Once residents were allowed to return to what was left of their home sites, volunteers were allowed to go in groups with them to help them clean up. I went in with a group one Sunday morning. We gathered in the parking lot next to the convention center, given our assigned home sites, then driven out to the sites. As our cars made their way through the charred pine forests, I was shocked at the damage. Charred trees, homes, fields, cars, trucks, farming equipment, and debris littered the whole area as far as you could see. We drove through neighborhoods with people living in tents, cars, trucks, and any other kind of temporary shelter because they had nothing left to live in. Burned out dog houses, children’s toys, play areas, baby swings, television sets, and mobile home frames were all that was left. The fire is alleged to have started when a 45 mile an hour wind blew a power line into the trees that lined one of the neighborhoods. The area has been in a drought for some time, so the sparks easily ignited the trees. From there the fire spread.

My crew pulled into a home site where a man and his dog were waiting for us. His wife and children were staying in a hotel in Austin. His home was completely burned down. Nothing remained to salvage. All we could do was clean the debris, piling it up on the side of the road for FEMA to take it away. We all wore masks over our noses and mouths, heavy books, and work gloves. We worked with shovels, wheel barrels, and a small backhoe. The work was grueling. We worked until the site was cleaned, then moved on to another area. At the end of the day, we all went home tired, thirsty, and hungry. However, we all knew we would return to continue the clean up effort. These people were our neighbors. Their homes could have easily been our homes. I laid awake in the middle of the night for days waiting to hear the siren from the sheriff’s car or the fire department, telling us to evacuate. In the morning, I would always looks to the east of my area to see how much of the black smoke was still in the sky. Now, 6 months later Bastrop is still and will be rebuilding for some time. The historic downtown area was spared. The quaint little shops and restaurants are still open for business. The pristine Colorado River still hosts kayaking, fishing, and swimming. This is still a beautiful area to visit.




After Paula and I walked home from the community garden, I drove to the little bar-b-que restaurant down the road for some breakfast tacos. I have been eating at this restaurant since I moved here in 2000. The place is not fancy. The walls are cinder block, the floor cement, ceiling fans help keep the inside cool. They have a patio in the back for parties. The people who work there have been there for years. The food is fantastic. Customers come from far and wide to eat at this place. On any given day, you can see farmers, ranchers, bikers, cowboys, state police, county sheriffs, pastors from the local churches, school teachers, city workers from Austin, retired folks who live nearby, families with children, you name it. The atmosphere is friendly and casual. After I finished my tacos, I had planned to drive to Austin to run a few errands but I was too tired. My energy level is slowly diminishing with each passing day. I am able to do one or two light activities a day, usually in the morning. Then, I sleep the rest of the day. I will have surgery late next week. I am not looking forward to it. I know that once they open me up, the cancer may spread like wildfire. My situation is serious. So, I wait with anticipation to see how the quality of my life will change after next week. I am in amazement at how my cancer spread this rapidly. My arms, shoulders, legs, sides, and back ache a little more each day. I can no longer lay on my sides to sleep. They ache too much. My babies walk on me and over me in the middle of the night. Before I would just hug them and send them off to the bottom of the bed. Now when they walk on me, as pets do, because thy love us, their weight is a little more than I can stand. I still pray for a miracle. The Bible had numerous stories about how some people just touched the coat of Jesus and were cured. I always ask Jesus that if I can’t have a cure, maybe He can send this cancer into remission for a while. I still have things I want to do. My friend Nancy from San Antonio seems to think that the Lord feels I have done enough and is calling me home to rest.

I have been reading, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Messages from Heaven. A woman prayed to the Lord for two more years with her aging mother. She didn’t want to put her in a nursing home, so she and her husband move her to their home here in Texas. Exactly tow years to the day to the hour, to the minute that this woman asked the Lord for two more years with her mother, her mother passed away. I am not concerned about how much time to ask for as much as the quality of whatever the Lord wills. At any rate, it will be tough to say goodbye to this life. I have had a blast. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a thing. Life’s been good.
Eventually, I will not be able to keep up with this blog. I would like all of you to keep on living, greet each new day as a blessing from God, thank Him for that day and all the days ahead of you, love your family and friends (even the ones who are mean to you), be the bigger person in the face of defeat, and the humble person in the face of victory, pray everyday, love your pets, adopt a pet because so many of them are abused, abandon, and helpless, adopt a child if you can, grow a garden, write a bucket list and start checking things off. in other words live like you mean it.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. Matthew 5:5

March 22, 2012 I slept for most of the day. My energy level was low. My legs, arms, and back are aching more each day. My stomach feels like it has a lump that becomes more prominent after I eat. My appetite is slowly beginning to change. I have a headache on and off throughout the day. And...that’s the good news.....:) Still, life is good. When my mom was in the hospital, I went to her home to check to make sure everything was alright. In her front yard, she two rose bushes that tended to like her babies. As I pulled up to the house, I did not see her rose bushes. I walked up the steps to look for them. Where the rose bushes once grew, I found stubs that had been cut back (way back) to be level with the soil. I thought, wow, is she going to be upset. When I mentioned this to her in the hospital she just smiled. I asked her what happened. She told me she did a little trimming. Absent mindedly, I said, “A little trimming??” She just smiled. Those roses meant everything to her. I guess she knew once she died there would be no one to take care of them since Tom, my brother and I lived out of state. David, our brother, had his own home to look after. I never mentioned the roses after that. One year I was teaching in a little school district outside of Austin. It was a little country school district. The district had one high school, one junior high school, and three elementary schools. The original school house for the elementary school where I taught, had been torn down. It was a one room school house. The teacher was required to have a loaded rifle in her room at all times to ward off Indian attacks. My classroom was one of several portable buildings way in the back of the school property. People affectionately referred to its locations as “The Back Forty.” On any given day it was not unusual to see cows, who had gotten out of their pasture, or horses grazing under the trees near the portables. The setting was beautiful. The children were from good country stock. I had a fourth grader who would fall asleep in class everyday. He was a sweet boy. When I would ask him to try to stay awake, he tried his hardest. Later on that year I found out why he was so tired. His family owned several acres close to the school. Every morning this little guy would wake up at 4:00a.m.so that he and his siblings could do their chores. They would milk the cows, feed the cows and other animal, and complete any other morning chores their father had for them. At 6:00a.m. they ate breakfast, took a shower, dressed, completed any homework assignments they had, then walked to the bus stop. They did this everyday, even on the weekends. I found out about this morning routine one Saturday morning when I was driving down a back country farm to market road. I loved driving this road. For miles and miles all you can see are wheat, corn, and milo fields, pastures with cows, Texas Long Horns, sheep, goats, and horses living below the beautiful blue Texas sky. As I drove with the windows down taking in the fresh country air, I noticed an old pick up truck gaining on me in my rear view mirror. I thought, “Great. Just what I need. A Texas cowboy , hillbilly with nothing better to do but ride my bumper.” As the speeding truck approached, it swerved to my left to pass me. I kept driving feeling relieved that the truck would pass me and leave me alone. The truck pulled up right beside mean and the driver began blowing the horn. I looked to my left,and what do I see? The top of the head of my little fourth grade student who slept in my class. I yelled, “ Gerry, is that you?” “Yes. It’s me Miss.” Shocked but delighted to see him, I asked him to pull over. “What are you doing driving a pick-up truck? Do your parents know where you are?” “Yes. They know where I am.” “How long have you been driving?” “For a while now. My father taught me. I help around the farm. I drive to town to pick up groceries for the family, feed for the animals, run errands for my mom. Stuff like that.” “What other jobs do you have on the farm?” He proceeded to tell me with the confidence and pride of a fully grown farmer. He was a sharp little guy. You could tell he had been working on the farm since he could walk. “So, that’s why you’re always tired?” “Yes. I try to stay awake but its hard.” As I looked at this child, I remember my mother telling me about growing up in Pennsylvania in the 1920's and 1930's. She attended a Catholic School. She and her siblings had to walk to school everyday. The distance was about 2 miles. When the weather was cold, my grandmother would bake potatoes in the morning. The potatoes were given to my mom and her siblings to put in their pockets to keep their hands warm on their walk to school. The potatoes were put on top of the coal burning stove that heated the school room, to keep them warm. At lunch time, the children would eat the potatoes. If you know anything about the winter in Pennsylvania, you know the weather gets bitterly cold. Today, children have the luxury of riding school buses and still complain! I looked at my little guy standing on that back country road on a Saturday morning when he should have been sleeping in or watching cartoons like most kids. He really felt bad about sleeping in school. Turns out he was sleeping in most of his classes. “I’ll tell you what.” I said to him. “You my friend are a hard working little man. You do more work in morning than most people do all day, and still you come to school. Maybe we can work something out for you to get some rest during the day. Maybe at recess or part of your lunch time. We’ll work something out. I’m proud of you. If you don’t finish all of the homework I gave you this weekend, don’t worry. Just try to finish the homework from your other teachers.” He smiled and said goodby. I kept driving towards Bastrop, Texas my final destination. On Monday, I visited each and every one of his teachers to tell them about his farm chores. I asked them to give him a little break. Don’t be so harsh on him. They were all surprised to hear how much responsibility he had at such a young age. The teachers agreed to work with him more. They saw him in a whole new light. He was no longer that “lazy kid “who always slept in class. Mr. Peele was a third grade teacher at this little school. He was loved by the students, faculty, and parents. He had an outgoing personality. Always had a greeting for everyone, a joke, a smile. He taught for several year at this school. One year, the school began and Mr. Peele was no where in sight. The principal announced to the faculty that over the summer, Mr. Peele had died. We were all devastated. We knew that when the students returned and did not see him, the beginning of the school years was going to be a challenge. The students wanted to have a memorial service for him at the school in the back lot with balloons, poems they wrote about him, and to plant a rose bush in his honor. Mr. Peele loved roses. After the rose bush had been planted and the balloons drifted off over the country side, one of his students from the previous year said a few words about his beloved teacher. It went something like this. Mr. Peele, We plant this rose bush in your honor. We love and will miss you. However, you will always be with us. I know that whenever I see the leaves on this rose bush blowing in the wind, that will be you waving at us. I have two rose bushes growing outside of the window where I work on my computer. This morning, I noticed two new roses and many new leaves. I thought of my mother. As the gentle wind blew the leaves, I realized my mother was saying hello to me. She has been outside that window for a while now, for years. I have a feeling that mom knew my fate long ago, after she went to heaven. Now she waits for me. I will not trim my roses. I want them to be there when the children in my neighborhood go to school. Each morning, as they pass my home and when the leaves blow, it will be me wishing them a good day at school.

One Day at a Time Sweet Jesus, that is all I ask of You.

March 21, 2012 I have had a long day but what an evening Face book is incredible. I spent several hours this evening talking on Face book with my cousins. They have come up with the most incredible pictures of our family. I’ve seen pictures of my family that I never knew existed. My mother taught me the meaning of pictures as a beautiful keepsake. She had hundreds of pictures of our immediate family, cousins, aunts, uncles, and our grandparents. As a child I looked at these pictures over the years, and came to understand what her family meant to her. When I was younger, I thought 60 years was an incredibly long period of time. Now, I realize 60 years is just a blink of an eye. Most of my aunts and uncles have passed away. Almost entire generation. But what they left behind- the memories, the laughs, the tears, the love will always be etched in the minds of the generation that still remains, and the generations to come. When my parent’s house was cleaned out after my father died, the pictures were lost to someone who may have picked up the boxes, not sure of what to do with them. I am hoping whoever may have them realizes what a treasure they are and keeps them in a safe place, or returns them to the family. I am scheduled to talk to the surgeon regarding the results of the last test and having surgery. Looks like the surgery will be late next week but has not been confirmed yet. I will keep you posted. Easter is right around the corner. I always thought that people whole died around the holidays were sent a special invitation to celebrate with the Lord. Imagine being in heaven at Christmas. Or, being in heaven on Easter Sunday. My mother and older brother died in April, 6 years apart. The Easter Season holds a special meaning for me. First, there is Lent. This is a time when people give up something for forty days in honor of the Lord. Each year I choose to give up watching television and drinking coffee. This year I added playing the Texas lottery. I have a friend in San Antonio who has a husband who drinks on a daily basis. During Lent, this man gives up his alcohol. For forty day and forty nights there lives are peaceful, quiet and quiet. I found out over the years that he is really a very nice person when he is not drinking. He becomes a great father, grandfather, and husband. Lent is the only time of the year that his relatives invite him to visit because it is the only time of the year this guy is sane. I want to thank Mallory for the email she sent after reading my blog. Thank you for keeping me in your prayers. Check you email for an email from me. I slept peacefully last night. The babies were once again tucked in right next to me. The weather is still cool here. Makes for great sleeping weather. About several years ago, I had elective surgery during a summer break from school. I chose to stay at a friend’s house after the surgery to recover. For several days she looked after me. I slept most of the time. She would constantly check on me, bring me my medication, help me to the restroom, etc. While I was there , she told me about her son who had died while serving as a missionary in Africa. I did not know this young man. I had never met him The government of the country where he died, refused to release his body to the organization he was working with, leaving my friend in limbo. Once his body was returned to her, she had planned to bury him next to his father. All she wanted was a sign from him that he was alright and in a better place. We talked for a while, then I went to rest, and she went to the grocery store. Later that evening, I awoke to have dinner with her and watch television. As we were eating, I asked her,”Who was the man I saw earlier today?” She looked at me and said there was no one else in the house but us. I told her that I had seen a young man with brown hair parted in the middle, he had a mustache, he wall tall and thin. He wore blue jeans, and a white dress shirt and wore a whit jacket. . I saw him sitting in the chair across the room where I slept. He was looking at me. He never said a word. He looked relaxed and peaceful. When I told her this, she got up from the table to find a picture of her son. When she showed me the picture, I told her, “That’s him. That’s the young man I saw.” She sat for a long time looking at his picture, then looking at me. She knew I had never seen a picture of him before, yet I described him to her. . Then, I realized what happened. I know this sounds crazy to some people but...... He let his mother know through showing himself to me, that he was at peace. I have never had this happen to me before or since this event. I found out that day what a believer in Jesus my friend was by not throwing me out of her house because of my experience. She and I knew it was a sign from God. I can still pictures him in my mind sitting in the chair looking at me. I was never afraid of him. He was at peace. I was scared because I had this experience. I had a hard time dealing with it for some time after that. I spoke to other friends and a pastor who assured me that I was not crazy. My friend isolated herself from other after her son’s death. The pastor believed he was trying to tell her he was at peace but there was no one around her to channel this information through. When I showed up at their home, he used me to get the message to her. Other people I talked to said they had been contacted in various ways by family members and close friends who died and wanted to get a message to them that they were ok. His body was never returned to her. The government reported that he was buried in their country. They said they would send a copy of the death certificate. They never did. My friend and her son, however, are at peace. He is with the Lord. She will eventually be with him. I hope to meet him in person in the Lord’s house to tell him how important his message to his mother was to her. I think he already know. But I want to let him know how important his message was to me. From the book, My Glimpse of Eternity by Betty Malz: “The transition was serene and peaceful. I was walking up a beautiful green hill. It was steep, but my leg motion was effortless and a deep ecstasy flooded my body. I looked down. I seemed to be barefoot, but the complete outer shape of my body was a blur and colorless. Yet I was walking on grass, the most vivid shade of green I had ever seen. Each blade was perhaps one inch long, the texture like fine velvet; every blade was alive and moving. As the bottoms of my feet touched the grass, something alive in the grass was transmitted up through my whole body with each step I took. Can this be death? “ I wondered.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

"God, people, angels, and even animals are in heaven." Colton Burpo

March 20, 2012

I had the opportunity to see a great movie today, In Darkness. The movies talks place in the Warsaw Ghetto during World War II. Jews in Warsaw were rounded up by the Germans and sent to the Warsaw Ghetto. The ghetto was a small area in Warsaw, surrounded by a brick wall the Germans built to keep the Jews away from the rest of the city’s non-Jewish population. This story is about a group of Jews who escape into the sewers below the ghetto when the Germans come to raid the neighborhoods and kills any remaining Jews. The group that escape to the sewer lies in the waste of the city for 14 months with the help of Poldek, a sewer cleaner. He works in the sewers under Warsaw everyday. He can walk the sewers with out getting lost or getting caught. Poldek takes them food and clothes, and keeps them safe from the Germans who know there are Jews hiding in the sewage system but do not know where. The story of their amazing will to live in the sewers in the filth, the waste, and the stench is a testament to the human will to survive in the most adverse conditions. With the threat of being caught and shot or taken to a concentration camp looming over their heads, their faith never waivers. The alliance between Poldek, who is a Roman Catholic, and “his Jews” is witness to the human spirit in trying times, and the coming together of two very different religions for the sake of survival. In times like these it doesn’t matter if you are waiting for Jesus to come for the first time, or the second time. The important thing is that you are waiting for you savior.

I grew up with the influence of my father’s Polish family. My grandfather came to America in 1907. My grandmother came to American in 1910. They met at Coney Island, fell in love, and were married. From that union, ten children were born. My father was their first child. My Polish family was very close to and loyal to one another. Their roots deep within the soil of the Roman Catholic faith. I was baptized, had my confirmation, and had my first Holy Communion in the Catholic Church. Up until now, I must admit, I didn’t think much of all those traditions by which the Polish raise their children and live their lives. As I watched the movie, In Darkness, there was a scene where Poldek’s daughter is given her First Holy Communion. As German soldiers walked the city streets of Warsaw with rifles, Jews were rounded up for the ghetto, work groups, or concentration camps, food was being rationed, people lived in poverty, cold weather conditions kept the city in a deep freeze, and the hope that the end of the war would come quickly in doubt, Polish families dressed in their Sunday best to celebrate the First Holy Communion of their children. I understood, then, what it meant to my parents when I had my First Holy Communion. I realized the importance of a person’s language, culture, religion, and family. Wow. How proud I feel now.

Last night, I was awakened from a peaceful sleep by loud thunder and bright lightening. Hard rain fell. The strong wind blew the trees and shrubs in my backyard from side to side almost bending them to the ground. My babies were tucked next to me as tightly as they could, hiding under the blankets. The loud noises frightened them. I was surrounded by four cats and a little black dog, all seeking protections from noises of the storm. Times like these are among my favorites. I realize that all the toys in the world cannot make up for the love and attention my babies need. Pets are God’s special ambassadors. They love us and accept us for the love and attention we give them. In turn, they give us so much more.

Monday, March 19, 2012

May God give you......For every storm a rainbow, for every tear a smile, for every care a promise and a blessing in each trial. An Irish Blessing

March 19, 2012

Today was a good day. I had an appointment with my clinic to have my blood pressure checked,give a urine sample, and have my weight checked. Then, I went to Sam’s Club to buy cat food, soy meal replacement, and new reading material. One of the books that has been a true inspiration to me is Heaven is Real by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent. In an earlier blog I mentioned how much I enjoyed this book. The book is about Todd’s son Colton. During an operation, Colton is taken up to Heaven by Jesus who takes care of Colton during the surgery. Some time after Colton’s recovery, Colton begins to make statement about his visit to Heaven. Over the next weeks and months, Colton reveals to his parents little bits of information about his visit with God and Jesus, and the people he met in Heaven. I love this book. Reading Colton’s accounts of Heaven has reassured me that Heaven is for real. While at Sam’s Club, I bought the children’s version of this book which is written age appropriately for children. The pictures are beautiful, the colors are vibrant, and the story is well laid out. This is a great book to read to your children to teach them about Heaven through the eyes of another child. I also bought, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Messages from Heaven. This is a collection of short stories with many authors contributing. What is My Cat Thinking? By Gwen Bailey was the third book I bought. I wanted the new caretaker of my babies to learn as much as possible about my cats now, so that when they take over, I know my babies will be in the best hands possible.

Today, I was supposed to hear from my doctor regarding the results of the last test done, and to talk about scheduling surgery. I called his office at 8:00a.m. and left a message with his nurse. She called me back while I was out and asked that I call tomorrow and set up an appointment.

My neighbor seems to think I am surprisingly calm while awaiting the results. She said she would be a nervous wreck. I am not surprised at how calm I am. The Lord had brought a peace into my life that has strengthened my faith. No matter what lay ahead, I will not be sad or afraid.
He will not let me die alone for He is always with me. So, tomorrow when the office opens, I will call and make an appointment for next week. Dr. K only takes appointments on Mondays and Tuesdays. I know that once the surgery is performed, my life will never be the same. Why rush things? At this point in the game, rushing to the O.R. will not buy me any more time than the Lord will allow.

I want to thank my family for making contact with me. You don’t know how important your emails are to me. Each one is a blessing. It’s nice to know that I am a part of something much greater and precious than my own little world. I am part of a family. Do not be sad for one moment. I am not sad. I had my crying time. That’s over. I look forward to the future with great anticipation. My life is more focused than it has ever been. I feel I now have a purpose. I was not put here by accident. God loved me right from the beginning.

Each morning and each evening I begin and end the day with this prayer:

“Dear Lord,

Thank you for today and however many days I have ahead of me.
Let me serve You with the rest of the time I have left in this temporary life.
Thank You for all Your blessings.”
Amen

Sunday, March 18, 2012

"To you, O Lord I Lift Up My Soul. O My God in You I Trust." Psalms 25: 1-2

March 18, 2012 Tomorrow I will find out the results of the dye test done last week. I anticipate my surgery to be done sometime next week. From there, I will know what treatments will be done; chemotherapy, radiation, or both. Since my last clinic visit, when my dye test was done, I have been incredibly at peace with my diagnosis. I must admit, where the diagnosis seems very real, at times I wonder if this is really happening to me. I try to imagine the surgery, then the treatments but it all seems so surreal. The diagnosis could not have come at a better time; the season of Easter. For lent, I have given up drinking up coffee, watching television, and playing the lottery. These are my vices. I have noticed over the years that I do much better without all three of them. Without the television, I am more focused on what is real in my life. I read more, and enjoy what I am reading. I take my time and do not rush through or skim over the pages. If I do not fully understand a sentence or passage, I reread the words until I do understand. The season of Lent does allow me to draw closer to God, as I slowly begin to realize the sacrifice of the life of His son Jesus and what His death meant for me as a sinner. Jesus dies so that my sins may be forgiven. The ultimate sacrifice Now, I face my own trying time, and wonder if I can be as brave as Jesus on the cross. I welcome this trial Jesus sends to me. Up to know, I have been wondering what to do with the rest of my life. I a left teaching, standing at the crossroads of my life and career, deciding what to do. I have spent my whole life living for me. Now I want to live for Jesus. I want to serve Jesus, some how, some way. After mowing the front and back lawns, and trimming and edging the front, I paid for my actions with a severe case of extreme exhaustion the next day. What a mistake! It is hard for me to ask others for help with things I use to be able to do myself. During the Spring and Summer months, I would worked in the yard for hours and never tire. I would mow the lawn once or twice a week without fail. Lately, I just do not have the strength. Weeks pass before I make any attempt to mow the lawn. I pass by the windows and look out at the front, then the back yard, and think, maybe tomorrow. The weeds keep growing. They stop for no one. Last week, on the day I mowed the lawns, I felt great. I had energy and motivation. I felt good working in the outdoor again. The babies watched me from their perches on their kitty condos in front of the bedroom window. When I was finished, they all lined up at the back door waiting for me to let them into the backyard. We sat on the patio taking in the beautiful Spring day. Later that evening, I began to feel the effects of my physical labor. I became extremely tired. My neck, back, and right and left sides from my shoulders to my knees began to ache. When this happens, I have to lay down. I slept through the night, and right through the Sunday service I was suppose to attend with my neighbor. I can do very little when I am this tired. I try to talk myself into getting up, saying it is mine over matter. However, I know better. This is different kind of exhaustion. My body shuts down seemingly on its own to help me preserve what energy I may have left. After I sleep, my energy is stored up to the point that I can get out of bed and tend to daily tasks. Some days I need to take several naps, even if I am just working at the computer. Hopefully, the surgery and whatever treatments I am given, will help to restore me to a good energy level to allow me to go on with my daily life without always having to take a nap. I will find out tomorrow, what the next steps in my journey will be, and the path I am to follow. My big kitty Alex, turned 9 years old on March 15th. Callie will be 9 years old next month in April 15th. Izzy and Grace (sisters) will be 2 years old in May 1st. My mother will be deceased 25 years on April 20th. My brother Tom will be deceased 19 years April 18th. My father will be deceased 7 years on May 25th. Aunt Grace, my mother’s sister will be buried tomorrow, March 19, 2012 “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.” Psalms 23:4

"Make me to know your ways ,O Lord; teach me your paths." Psalms 25:4


March 16, 2012

I slept peacefully last night. However, my energy level was low this morning.. I tried but I could not make an appointment I had scheduled for late morning. Rescheduled.  Fed my babies. Ate  breakfast. Then, settled in front of my laptop.

My cousin Deb, sent me a link to my Aunt Grace’s obituary. Funeral on Monday, March 19, 2012. Her will be a viewing one hour before her funeral.

My whole body is sore and aches.  I have a slight pain in my stomach, right shoulder and down the right side of my body. I don’t need my surgeon to tell me that my cancer has spread. I can feel it. From my initial diagnosis, I felt the cancer had spread more than the doctors thought. They were very concerned with the test results but told me very little except what I needed to know.  I was told that the results of the dye test would determine what they would need to remove in surgery.  From there treatment options would be discussed.

I speak to Jesus everyday, morning, noon, and night. I especially like to start my day with prayers, and end my day with prayers. During the day, I have a casual conversation with Jesus about my health, my past, my family, and friends. I have been doing a lot of reminiscing lately about  my childhood. Growing up, I focused so much on the bad memories, that I almost let the good memories slip away, Now when I look back, I smile fondly when I recall my the events, places, schools I attended, family and friends.  My adult life began when I made a move half way across he country to try to get my life together.


 I arrived in San Antonio, Texas on January 5, 1975. I was alone with two suitcases and $250.00 in my pocket. My airline ticket was a one way fare. I had never been to San Antonio before. The university I chose to attend, Our Lady of the Lake University, had an excellent Speech Pathology and Audiology Program that I interested in completing. On May 8 1977 (Mother’s Day) surrounded by my mother, brother Thomas, his wife, and close friends, I graduate from Our Lady of the Lake with a Bachelor’s of Art Degree.

January 5, 1975 was a Sunday. My plane touched down at 1:15a.m. in the morning. There were very few people in the airport terminal at that hour of the morning.  One building made up the terminal. The airplanes did not pull up to the airport. You had to embark the plane while it was parked on the tarmac. Portable stairs were wheeled up to the plane. You exited the plane via the stairs and walked across the tarmac to gain access into the airport terminal. Today, the San Antonio International Airport is made up of several terminals, with many airlines flying in and out daily, people coming and going day and night, and plenty of transportation choices to take you anywhere in the city. At one fifteen in the morning  there was almost no one in the small terminal. After several attempts to get a ride to the nearest airport without luck, and elderly African-American gentleman approached me and asked me if I needed a ride to a hotel. He was a worker at the airport. I told him yes and asked him if he knew where I could get a taxi, bus, or hotel shuttle to the nearest hotel. He told me they all stop running at 10:00p.m. when the last evening flight arrives. I asked him where the nearest hotel was located. If it was close, I thought I could walk to hotel. He said there was one very close to the airport, just outside the airport’s main entrance. He offered to give me a ride to the hotel. I accepted.

Mr. Fisher was his name. He was a janitor at the airport. He had two daughter of his own about ready to attend college themselves. Mr. Fisher was a kind man, calm, patient, and the epitome of the laid back southerner. He drove a 1946 Ford pick-up truck. Nothing fancy. Just practical. We drove to the hotel where he took my bags, walked me into the lobby, and delivered me to the hotel clerk, saying, “This young lady needs a room for the night.” Then, he told me he would check on me in the morning, and if I needed a ride to the university, he would be happy to take me. I had never seen this man before in my life. He was such a blessing to me, such a kind face and gentle person. I thanked him and told him I would see him in the morning. I checked into my room, and without changing lay across the bed and fell asleep.

During my  trip from Baltimore to San Antonio the same thoughts continuously ran through my mind; What will life be like in Texas? What will my fate be? What future do I have in Texas? Will I complete college and earn a degree? Will I fail? What will I be doing 10 years from now, Twenty-years? Thirty Years? I had great difficulty envisioning my future, growing up believing I had none. I knew if I had any chance of making something out of my life, I had to leave Baltimore and my family. I could not continue to grow under the family problems that cast such a gloomy shadow over our lives. I had to get away to find out who I was, what my purpose was in life, what I was going to do with my life. I was quite unsure of my future but I knew one thing, I wanted to do something with my life. So, I struck out by myself, alone in Texas with a dream, and a promise to myself-I was not going to fail. I was twenty-one years old.


The next morning, true to his word, Mr. Fisher was at the hotel at 9:00a.m. I had just eaten breakfast in the hotel restaurant, when he showed up at the hotel front desk. He told me that if I was ready, he would drive me to the university. It took us thirty-minutes to get to the university. I checked in with the dorm resident director, was given my room key, then went up to my room with Mr. Fisher in tow carrying my bags. I offered to give him money for his efforts, He would have none of it. He handed me a piece of paper with his name, his wife’s name, and his daughters name, and phone number. Said if I ever needed anything, call his family. Someone would help me. We shook hands and parted ways. Mr. Fisher was about seventy-years old, gray hair, tall man in overalls, who walked with a slight limp. He was the most handsome sight to welcome me to Texas. Two years later, I met his oldest daughter who was also a student at the university. She was just as kind a person as her father.

The next four years went by so quickly, until one day in September 1978, I had landed my first job in education working with hearing impaired infants and their parents as an itinerant teacher in a small town just north of San Antonio. In January, my plans to live in Texas took an unexpected turn when I was awarded a fellowship fo a school for the deaf in New York. I left Texas on February 18, 1979. After four years in Texas, I was returning to the east coast where my journey began. Now, what would the future hold for me?

“The earth, O Lord, is full of thy steadfast love;
Teach me thy statutes
Though has dealt well with thy servant, O Lord,
According to thy word.
Teach me good judgement and knowledge,
For I believe in Thy commandments.
Before I was afflicted I went astray.....

Psalm 119:64-67

Thursday, March 15, 2012

"God is our refuge, and strength, a very present help in trouble." Psalms 46:1




March 15, 2012

When my energy level is low, I find I find it very difficult to focus, so I make simple mistakes in my typing and posting my blog. The post for March 14, 2012 is a good example. Sorry for the double post.

I opened my email this morning to find a message from a cousin on my mother’s side of the family. Deb, my cousin, sent the email yesterday. She was looking for cousins on her mother’s side of the family. Her mother and my mother were sisters. Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways. But, not this time. He knew I wanted to make contact with my family. . Then, Deb’s email turns up in my mailbox. I was excited to hear from her. We exchanged two emails. She told me where she lives, and that she has two children and two grandchildren. She also informed me that our Aunt Grace died yesterday. Aunt Grace was the sister of her mother and my mother. What a reunion that is in Heaven!! My mother and her sisters ( 5 total counting my mother) together in Heaven catching up on lost time. I asked my cousin about funeral arrangements. I have not heard back from her yet. I do not plan to attend due to the homeless, or anyone, is a bit more complex than the experience and knowledge I have acquired oever the years.. Ministering goes beyond any experience I may have gained in my twenty-two years as a special education teacher. However, if given the time, I can learn how to minister to those in need. The Lord may have other plans. He may have already decided to call me home because he may have something else in mind. Either way, I am in good hands. Eventually, we all see Jesus someday. We all have an appointment with Him. I just happen to have a better idea of when my appointment is scheduled.
Until then, I will continue praying:

HEAVENLY FATHER, WALK THROUGH MY HOUSE AND TAKE AWAY ALL MY WORRIES AND ANY ILLNESSES,
AND PLEASE WATCH OVER AND HEAL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS...
BRING QUIET WHERE THERE IS CHAOS,
BRING LIGHT WHERE THERE IS DARKNESS,
AND PUT LOVE IN OUR HEARTS ....
IN JESUS NAME.... AMEN ...

"Behold, the Lord's hand is not so short that it cannot save; nor is His ear so dull that it cannot hear." Isaiah 59.1

March 14, 2012

This morning I was searching the internet for information on rare forms of melanoma trying to figure out what form I had. I believe it is Nodular Melanoma, a rare form of this type of cancer. The treatment regime is the same for all melanomas: surgery to remove the cancer cells, radiation therapy, chemotherapy usually in combination with other types of therapies and immunotherapy. I found out that there are three types of rare melanomas: Acral Lentigenous, Nodular Melanoma, and Lentigo Melanoma.
Acral Lentigenous
Nodular Nelanoma
Lentigo Melanoma
My melanoma began on the surface of my back with a mole, but not all melanoma begins with mole. Some can grow in areas of the back where there is no mole. Mole or not, the cancer in this type of melanoma grows deep into the skin quiet rapidly. I suspect this is exactly what happened to me based on how I am feeling. My left arm, shoulder, leg, and knee have been aching for several weeks. I suspect the cancer has spread to this area. Sometime I have difficulty breathing. I have to struggle to breathe. I suspect the cancer has also spread to this area. Lately, I have been getting severe headaches. I hope the cancer has not spread to this area but may very well have. I will be getting the results of the dye test done yesterday from the surgeon next week. Then, I will have a much better idea of what is ahead fo me.


My older brother died of a rare form of cancer (Neurofibromatosis). There are two forms of this type of cancer: benign where the tumors grow outside of the body, and malignant, where the tumors grow along nerves and just under the skin inside the body. My brother had the malignant form. He actually died of a heart attack due to the tumors growing around his heart, not allowing it to function properly. Now, I have this rare form of melanoma. Wow! My family would be great participants in any cancer research study: pancreatic cancer, melanoma, breast cancer, brain cancer, lung cancer, and whatever form of cancer my brother had.
At any rate, melanoma is a rare form of skin cancer that takes has a 90% mortality rate in the United States. Although there is promising research being done, the prognosis is still grim.
I had enough energy to mow the front and back yards, and trim the from this evening. Then, I sat on the back patio with my cats and little dog. We enjoys the cool breeze, quiet neighborhood, and soft patio lights. The babies were hunting for bugs. After a while I became tired. I took a shower, then went to bed to read before I slept. I remembered that I sent my cousin a letter asking for her email address, and that I had noted posted my blog. I would post in the morning.
My sleep was peaceful last night. The babies also slept peacefully.

- make up for about 70% of melanomas, and can be found on a person’s face.
- make up for about 20% of melanomas, and can be found on a person’s back and chest.
- makes of for about 10% of melanomas, and can be found on a person’s hand and feet.

"Behold, the Lord's hand is not so short taht if cannot save; nor is His ear so dull that ir cannot hear

March 14, 2012

This morning I was searching the internet for information on rare forms of melanoma trying to figure out what form I had. I believe it is Nodular Melanoma, a rare form of this type of cancer. The treatment regime is the same for all melanomas: surgery to remove the cancer cells, radiation therapy, chemotherapy usually in combination with other types of therapies and immunotherapy. I found out that there are three types of rare melanomas: Acral Lentigenous, Nodular Melanoma, and Lentigo Melanoma.
Acral Lentigenous
Nodular Nelanoma
Lentigo Melanoma
My melanoma began on the surface of my back with a mole, but not all melanoma begins with mole. Some can grow in areas of the back where there is no mole. Mole or not, the cancer in this type of melanoma grows deep into the skin quiet rapidly. I suspect this is exactly what happened to me based on how I am feeling. My left arm, shoulder, leg, and knee have been aching for several weeks. I suspect the cancer has spread to this area. Sometime I have difficulty breathing. I have to struggle to breathe. I suspect the cancer has also spread to this area. Lately, I have been getting severe headaches. I hope the cancer has not spread to this area but may very well have. I will be getting the results of the dye test done yesterday from the surgeon next week. Then, I will have a much better idea of what is ahead fo me.


My older brother died of a rare form of cancer (Neurofibromatosis). There are two forms of this type of cancer: benign where the tumors grow outside of the body, and malignant, where the tumors grow along nerves and just under the skin inside the body. My brother had the malignant form. He actually died of a heart attack due to the tumors growing around his heart, not allowing it to function properly. Now, I have this rare form of melanoma. Wow! My family would be great participants in any cancer research study: pancreatic cancer, melanoma, breast cancer, brain cancer, lung cancer, and whatever form of cancer my brother had.
At any rate, melanoma is a rare form of skin cancer that takes has a 90% mortality rate in the United States. Although there is promising research being done, the prognosis is still grim.
I had enough energy to mow the front and back yards, and trim the from this evening. Then, I sat on the back patio with my cats and little dog. We enjoys the cool breeze, quiet neighborhood, and soft patio lights. The babies were hunting for bugs. After a while I became tired. I took a shower, then went to bed to read before I slept. I remembered that I sent my cousin a letter asking for her email address, and that I had noted posted my blog. I would post in the morning.
My sleep was peaceful last night. The babies also slept peacefully.

- make up for about 70% of melanomas, and can be found on a person’s face.
- make up for about 20% of melanomas, and can be found on a person’s back and chest.
- makes of for about 10% of melanomas, and can be found on a person’s hand and feet.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

"The thief comes only to syeal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

March 13, 2012

I had a 7:45a.m. appointment with an imaging center this morning. A blue dye was injected in to the site where the cancerous mole was removed. A total of ten small injections were given to me. After the injections, my back was massaged so that the dye could begin to disperse and the imaging could be done. I have a total of one hour and forty five minutes of laying on a table in an imaging machine. Then, I had a chest x-ray the doctor had also ordered. The technician told me the results would be sent to the doctor tomorrow. My surgeon is out of town this week, so I will get the results next week. From there surgery will be scheduled with in two weeks. The dye has to leave my system completely before they can do the surgery.
I have been spending all of my waking time since the initial diagnosis, getting my house in order. Suddenly I am faced with making decisions I have been putting off because I thought I had all of the time in the world or because I simple did not want the unpleasant task of having to make certain decision. Like making my own funeral arrangements. Making these arrangements is not as simple as I thought. I had a lot to considered. Funerals are expensive, so I first had to make sure my life insurance policy included funeral expenses. The policy did allow for $5,000 to cover the expenses. Have you ever made funeral arrangement for anyone? I made arrangements for my mother. She died in 1987. The total expense of her funeral was $5,000. That was twenty-five years ago. I was so overwhelmed with all the details of making my own funeral arrangement, I chose to look into donating my body to science for research. I found a company on line that will pay for the cremation, returning my ashes to my family to be disposed as I wish.
Ok. One issues down. Next, I decided to write my own obituary. Simple enough. No one knows me better than me. The only left to fill out was the date of my sunset. OK. Another issue down.
Next, a living will. Several months ago I found Directive to the Physician (also know as a Living will) I had drawn by an attorney in 1992. I decided then, that if I were very sick, I wanted to be kept on life support or whatever it would take to keep me here as long as I had a chance to get better. With cancer, that is not always an option. So, not even suspecting I had cancer, I tore up the directive and threw it away. I also discarded a will I had drawn up at the same time as the directive. I tore the will up because I needed to update the information. I made arrangements with an attorney to do draw up a new will. I am not a wealthy person by any means. As far a income, I fit directly in the middle along with many other people in that tax bracket. Everything I own in the world sits on a postage size lot in a rural subdivision. My house, my car, my furniture, pets, etc. My main concern is the care of my pets (4 cats and a little dog). They grew up in this house. It is the only home they have ever known. They are happy, fell safe, and are comfortable living here. Their whole world revolves around this home and their "hunting grounds" in the back yard. I get great joy out of watching them play and "hunt" when they are outside and I am sitting on the patio. They’re safe in their backyard, and their happy. We spend many an evening sitting on the patio together taking in the night sounds of nature, enjoying the cool breeze that blows in the spring before the blistering heat of summer drives us inside. I walk the back yard surveying the condition of the grass, checking the Peach and the Oak trees, the only trees to survive last summer’s drought. The babies follow me around the yard as if I am going to unearth some precious treasure they can play with or chase. I know to some people, they’re just animals. But to me they’re my babies, my little family. So, when I took them in I vowed to care for them tot he end, theirs or mine. I came up with a plan to make sure they would continue to live in this home after I pass. I am now at peace knowing they would be taken care of by a good person and friend.
So, now I wait until the doctor call with the results. I know I will probably have to have surgery unless the cancer is so far spread that surgery will not be an option. I suspect the worse but have a good feeling that I will survive. I fully expect to cover enough to carry out God’s plan for me to live out the rest of my life in service to Him. I have lived so far for myself thinking I had enough time left to serve the Lord when I chose to do so. I now welcome this trial the Lord has sent. I believe it will make me a much better person and child of God. I am beginning to view the world in a much different light then before. I am more optimistic, more caring about others, and more motivated to work for my Heavenly Father here in this temporary life. I now know with confidence that Heaven exists and there is a place for me there. I know God is my creator and Jesus is my savior. I know I will see my loved ones in Heaven, including pets that have passed before me. I no longer fear death. I look back on my life and wonder why I ever had any doubt.
I have begun reading, "Real Messages from Heaven," by Faye Aldridge. I find the stories quite comforting because they confirm what I now know to be true, Heaven is for Real!




Monday, March 12, 2012

"The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid." Hebrews 13:6

March 12, 2012

Tomorrow I have another medical appointment. I am having a x-rays done to see where the cancer has spread, if it has spread at all. I am trying to remain optimistic but by the way I feel, I believe the cancer has spread. Lately, I have been having headaches that are so strong, I have to lay down and rest. My neck hurts which could be due to the cancer spreading in to the lymph nodes in my neck. The doctor did examine my neck and said he couldn’t feel anything unusual. I have also been having a dull ache in my left arm, leg, and knee. I have to sleep on my right side now. My whole body feels tired, worn, and weak. I have good days and not so good days, and I haven’t even had surgery or treatments yet. I don’t feel anxious or sad as I did on the last doctor’s visit. I talked to the doctor who will be doing my surgery. I feel confident that I have a great surgeon.
I slept peacefully last night. Sleep is important to me because I have to restore any energy I use during the day. If I feel tired during the day, I take a nap, or sometimes several naps. Paula invited me to have dinner with she and her sister this evening but I had a headache and didn’t go. My daily activities are based on my energy level. Before the cancer, I would wake up at 4:45a.m., feed my babies (4 cats and a dog), eat breakfast, shower, and leave for work. My days were long. So, I would not return home until after six o’clock in the evening. I did this Monday through Friday, and still had plenty of energy to spare.

I bought a new book entitled, "Real Messages from Heaven" by Fay Aldridge. I found great comfort in the last book I read, "Heaven is for Real" by Todd Burpo with Lynn Vincent. My new book seems to be equally as promising. The new books tells different stories about how people who have died, send messages to their loved ones after their death.
After my mother’s death, she would visit me in dreams. I loved seeing her and couldn’t wait to go to sleep in the evenings. I missed her so much, that I would go to sleep sometimes at five o’clock just to dream of her. She visited me for about four years after her death. I would tell my friends about my mother visits, when one day, a close friend of mine said to me, "You have to leave her go. She is worried about you. She needs a sign that you will be alright without her." I argued that it was she who was visiting me, then realized if she was convinced that I was going to be alright, she would not come back so often, if at all. One night I was sleeping when my mother showed up in a dream. She wore a light purple robe and looked very young and healthy. I could never see her whole face in the dreams but I could see the side of her face and knew if she was smiling or not. In the dream she walked with me through a park. I felt great comfort in her presence. Finally, after a while I said to her, "Mom, you may get upset but I have to asked you a question. Did you know you died four years ago?" I paused to see what kind of reaction I would get. "It’s ok." I said. "I’m ok, too." I could see the right corner of her mouth form a smile. I loved her smile. She was such an optimistic person. It took a lot to bring her down. Then, I tuned my face to see three elderly ladies, dressed in Sunday clothes coming down a walk way. When I turned back to look at my mother she was gone. I looked back at the ladies and they were gone. I believed she was sent to escort these ladies home to Jesus. That was the last time I saw her in my dreams. I know she is still looking down on me, only with the assurance that I had grown up and could make it on my own now that she was gone. I still miss her and love her. I know she will be waiting at the gates of Heaven for me. What a glorious day!!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

"Answer Me When I Call" Psalms 4:1-8

March 11, 2012

Today, I went to church with Paula, my neighbor. This was the first time in years, I attended a church service with anyone. In the past, I would have been too anxious to attend a new church. Not today. I was at peace, curious about this new journey, but not anxious. Paula introduced me as her neighbor. Everyone was so nice and welcoming. During last week’s service, Paula told the congregation about a neighbor she had who had been diagnosed with cancer and asked them to pray for her. I was the neighbor she was talking about. When people welcomed me to the church today, I knew they knew about my struggle. The service was informal. The congregation was relaxed. You could tell they were friends with one another and had been for a long time. However, even before the service began, I was fighting back tears thinking about my illness. I didn’t want of cry in front of anyone. As the service began and the music played, I was trying harder and harder to fight back the tears. I tried to figure out why I was tearing up.


I bowed my head and prayed, "Jesus, please help me rid my life of this anxiety, Lord. Help me to be strong. I know I can find strength in you. Wrap your arms around me Lord, and help me rise above these feelings that are holding me back from serving you, honoring you, living the life you gave me without fear, without hesitation." Then, I began to take deep breathes and repeated my prayer to Jesus. Almost immediately, I began to feel my anxiety subside, my tears stopped, and I began to feel a peace come over me. I knew the Lord heard my prayers. I knew He was with me in that moment, listening to my every word.
Throughout the rest of the service, I no longer had to fight back tears. I sang hymns with the congregation and said prayers without wanting to cry. Since my diagnosis, I have learned many things about Jesus and His love for us. However, the one thing I learned above all others is that Jesus hears our prayers and answers them. Even unanswered prayers are answered prayers from the Lord. He heard my prayers today and answered them. I know Jesus knows I am learning to be strong. I know He is helping me.
During part of the sermon, the congregation had the opportunity to ask for prayers for members of their families or friends who are going through a difficult time. I was surprised to learn of one families had a member with cancer. This family had a member who had a brain tumor removed and had three months to live without treatments, and possibly a year with treatments. Another member, the pastor himself, had been diagnosed with an aneurysm in his brain. The aneurysm was too small at this point to have surgery. He said he would keep us posted. Suddenly, the weight of my own illness didn’t seem so heavy. I was not alone. There were others who had more difficult situations them me. I would have never really known this if I had not attended this church today. I spend a lot of my time alone, not wanting to be around people. However, that is about to change. I cannot serve God without serving others, and to do that I need to join in fellowship with others without fear or anxiety. What a blessing the Lord had sent me today.
I slept peacefully last night. When I awoke this morning I had a good amount of energy. My plans were to go to church with Paula, then go downtown to 7th. St. When I was yesterday handing out clothes and shoes to the homeless. The one thing people needed were bags. I had planned to stop and buy more bags to hand out today but during the service my neck and right side of my head bean to hurt. When this happens, I have to lay down. I knew I would not be going downtown today. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. I had to rest to get rid of this headache. Exhaustion is a major symptom of living with cancer. My whole day is planned around how much energy I have when I awake, how much of it I can use to do certain tasks, and how long and how often I have to lay down during the day to replenish my energy supply. I am disappointed that I cannot go downtown today. God willing, I will go tomorrow.